Mamaste

This past Friday I decided it was time to venture out of the house on my own and do something just for me. After having my sweet Ellis 10 weeks ago, the most active thing I’ve done is walking the mall circuit with the stroller in one hand and a Starbucks in the other.

I had an unplanned c section (a “Caesar” as my new mom friends call it) and my lack of mobility has been a struggle. Pre-pregnancy I enjoyed going to the gym, challenging hikes and acting like a badass boxer. Now, my new reality is a mounting hunchback and sore arms from rocking baby for hours on end, so I looked for a post-natal yoga class and found one in the area. It happened to be in the brewery district where we frequented one too many times during  Vancouver’s prolonged beach season. Oh how day-drinking and brewery hopping seems like a distant memory, replaced with caffeine-fueled tummy time sessions.

Before I headed out of the house solo for the first time, I managed to find an outfit that wasn’t covered in spit-up, and was actually being worn for its designed purpose of athletic wear, not “dress sweats” to leave the home and do groceries in. I started my yoga class and hoped I wouldn’t receive SOS messages from my husband.

During my 1-hour yoga session I certainly learned a lot, beyond the mat; I learned how incredibly flexible my body used to be; I learned that lying on your stomach with milk filled boobies is seriously no bueno; and I even learned that while you may think your clothes don’t have spit up on them, you’re likely wrong. I also learned how much I missed being by myself. I love my new little family so much and couldn’t be happier, but there are times where I find myself missing my independence. After thinking this, I instantly felt guilty, which was my first true “mom guilt” experience – something I hear about so often.

I finished my yoga, walked to the car, and felt like my legs were going to give out at any moment. As I drove home I cried thinking about how incredibly guilty I felt for leaving the house without my babe, and how much I enjoyed my time out on my own again.

When I came home half crying but half laughing at how little control I have of my emotions, I saw my little one smile at me, which only brought on more tears. With each week that passes, I find myself learning more and loving more than I thought was possible, and while no one said this would be easy, in fact, it’s harder than I ever thought it could be.

So, this is my journey into motherhood – where I attempt to find my new normal, and strike a balance in my life with all things baby. It’s also a constant search to find clothes that do not have bodily fluids on them…yet.

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6 thoughts on “Mamaste

  1. I just know in my heart that you are an awesome and loving Mama to sweet baby Ellis! Don’t let the mommy guilt get to you…..it really never ends…..it’ll just get a bit easier over time. That smile you were greeted with upon your return just proves that your little Miss is adjusted, happy and secure. I look forward to following your blog!

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  2. You’re so brave for sharing this! Post-partum depression is SO common or so I am told since I’m not a mother. You are NOT crazy! Your little family is adorable. Thanks for sharing. I will continue reading lol!

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  3. You spoke from your heart and it is so beautiful. The mommy guilt never ends. I have one married and one at University and I still wonder if I did enough. You have a lifetime to “mommy” them and taking care of yourself is one of the best gifts you can give both to Joel and to sweet baby Ellis. I look forward to following your journey. Love and hugs

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